


ill never leave you

by jerry_seinfeld



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Childhood Friends, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-27
Updated: 2017-04-27
Packaged: 2018-10-24 14:56:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10743993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jerry_seinfeld/pseuds/jerry_seinfeld
Summary: sometimes life directs us in a path we'd never expect





	ill never leave you

**Author's Note:**

> repost bc i had to fix it
> 
> anyways this is like a bunch of home movies and it's kind of shit bear with me buddies

8/10/1998

“Kyungsoo!” the little boy’s head whips around at the sound of Chanyeol's mother’s voice, breaking his gaze from the slow-approaching school bus behind him, “how do you feel about your first day of school?”

The skinny, prominent-eared boy beside Kyungsoo gives the camera lens a big thumbs up, “Excited!”

“Kyungsoo, how do you feel?” Kyungsoo looks at the ground, then back up at the camera

“I…” he begins, wringing his hands in front of his chest, “I don’t…” tears are sparkling in his eyes.

“Oh no, honey, don’t cry! Channie will be there all day with you! Don’t worry, sweetheart.”

Chanyeol throws his arms around Kyungsoo’s trembling body, “I can protect you, Soo!”

“Say goodbye to the camera!” The boys give a quick wave before Chanyeol pulls Kyungsoo towards the bus.

 

 

11/27/1999

Happy birthday dear Channie,  
Happy birthday to you

“Happy birthday, Channie!” Kyungsoo shouts after the singing dies down to a quiet as Chanyeol blows out his candles. 

“Time to open your presents!” Chanyeol’s eyes brighten up when a bright blue, beautifully wrapped package is put into his hands.

In no time at all, the wrapping is on the floor, and Chanyeol is holding a box of Legos in his hands, “It’s the kind Soo has!”

“He told me that you wanted one, too.” Soo has a small smile on his face, standing awkwardly beside Chanyeol’s chair. Perched on his head is a birthday hat similar to the one Chanyeol has. 

“Thanks, Soo!” Chanyeol sets the box on the table and squeezes at Kyungsoo’s waist. Kyungsoo squeezes back.

“How about you open this one from your grandma?”

 

 

10/31/2000

“And what are you supposed to Mr. Park Chanyeol?” Chanyeol and Kyungsoo are glued at the side, but that doesn’t stop Chanyeol from arrogantly showing off his Power Rangers costume. He laughs at his attempt to be tough, though.

“Very intimidating,” Chanyeol stares down the camera even though he’s smiling. Kyungsoo is laughing too, their arms still linked together.

“What are you dressed as, Soo?”

“A penguin!” He shouts proudly.

“So I’m tough, and he’s cute!” Chanyeol presses their heads together as a pose.

“Good job coordinating those costumes, boys. They work together very well.”

“Is everyone ready to go trick-or-treating?”

 

 

12/25/2005

“Look at the camera.”

“Kyungsoo.

“Kyungsoo, look at the camera.”

“Kyungsoo, this is no way to treat your hyung.”

Kyungsoo looks up, giving Chanyeol his most annoyed/amused expression through half-lidded eyes. His brows are furrowed, one raised. 

“That’s it. Let’s see that smile,” Kyungsoo breaks out into a sardonic grin, shoving his face into the lens, “Alright. Good cooperation, Soo.”

“Thank you,” he mutters, shoulders shaking from giggling.

“Now, why don’t you show the camera what you got for Christmas? I’m sure they’d love to find out.”

“Who’s they?” Kyungsoo looks up in between sifting through a box with several presents in it.

Chanyeol hesitates for a moment, “Doesn’t matter. Maybe when we’re old and grey, we’ll wonder, ‘Hey, what did I get for Christmas of ’05?’, and y’know what? We’ll never know, because you didn’t show the camera, because you were too busy being sarcastic.”

“Okay, okay,” Kyungsoo pulls something a small roll of cloth out of the box, “Ahjumma got me socks.”

Chanyeol turns the camera around to face him, “You’re the best, Ahjumma.”

“Umma bought me an iPod,” Chanyeol turns the camera back around, shaking his head slowly with a look of jealousy. 

“You’re forgetting the most important gift of all, Soo.” He says, zooming in comically on Kyungsoo’s matching smug face.

“Of course,” Kyungsoo says, digging around and pulling out a small box. He lifts the top off and faces the contents towards the camera, “My favorite gift of all, from none other than Park Chanyeol, a dedicated cameraman and comedian.”

It’s a snowglobe. The base is a navy blue, with five letters written in shiny gold ink. ‘Paris’. Inside the glass dome is the Eiffel Tower, surrounded by numerous other landmarks Kyungsoo couldn’t name even if he tried. He shook it gently, and a swirl of glitter clouded the inside, before it settled back on the bottom

Chanyeol yet again turned the camera around, showing his goofy grin, “He always says that he wants to go to Paris. I might not be able to take him there, so this is the closest I can get.”

When the focus is on him again, Kyungsoo’s eyes are glossy.

“Hey, Soo…what’s-“ The camera is knocked out of Chanyeol’s hands, now showing only their waists down from its position on the crumpled duvet the boys are sitting on. Kyungsoo is almost in Chanyeol’s lap.

“Thank you,” he whispers, “for ever-for the snowglobe.”

 

 

8/29/2005

“High school is hell.” Chanyeol is wearing a jokingly dead expression in his eyes as he holds the camera in front of his face, “Right, Soo?”

Kyungsoo shrugs from across the room., his head hung over a book, pencil moving quickly in a notebook beside him.

“He’s a nerd, he doesn’t count.” Kyungsoo’s hair bounces when he whips his head up, eyes narrowed at Chanyeol, “for a popular, funny guy like myself-“

“Don’t lie to our older selves, they don’t know any better. They’re senile,” Kyungsoo says.

Chanyeol almost drops the camera from laughing. The view is shaky, but it still catches the smile on Kyungsoo’s face, “Fine, fine,” he says, regaining his grip on the camera, “I won’t lie to future us. For someone who fucking hates to study, high school is hell.”

“That’s it.”

“And Kyungsoo,” he spits, “refuses to help my poor soul out. Y’know, when I have to live with you because I can’t get a job, you’re going to realise that you should have helped me.”

Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow, a look he’s grown to wear a lot around Chanyeol. That and a beautifully genuine smile, “Who the hell says you’re going to live with me?”

“Well don’t you ever think about that? About what’s going to happen to us when we’re older?”

Kyungsoo pauses, fiddling with his pencil, “I don’t know. Maybe we’ll do what all best friends do. We’ll meet up on Friday nights for beer, we’ll go to each other’s kid’s birthday parties, they’ll call us uncle — that’s non-negotiable — and the other's wife will be like a sister to us, just as we’re like brothers."

“I’ll take that as a yes, you do think about it,” Kyungsoo’s attention is now fully turned away from his homework, instead making eye contact with Chanyeol, “so in this…future, we’re married with children?”

“That’s what’s supposed to happen.”

Chanyeol sets the camera down on the desk, the focus now set on the two of them sitting side by side on Kyungsoo’s bed.

“Don’t you ever think there’s something more? Not everything depends on going to college, getting an office job, a wife, two children, and a dog. It’s so predictable.”

Kyungsoo shrugs, “The only way to find out is to wait. I believe that life directs you in the right path.”

“Yeah. That…that sounds right. As long as we’re always together?” Chanyeol holds out his pinkie. Normally, Kyungsoo would think it’s stupid or childish, but he takes his best friend’s little finger without hesitation.

“I’ll never leave you, Park Chanyeol.”

“I’ll never leave you, either, Do Kyungsoo.”

 

 

6/17/2008

“Come on!” Birds and cicadas chirp in the background. Setting sunlight filters through the leafy tree tops. Sticks crunch beneath Kyungsoo and Chanyeol’s sneakers.

Kyungsoo takes a second, hands on his knees and his chest quickly rising and falling, “I…I can’t-“

“We’re almost there. You’re okay,” Kyungsoo doesn’t move though, “Here, take my hand.”

Chanyeol’s palm stretches in front of the lens, shortly after taken by Kyungsoo’s own. Another five seconds of running pass, then the shaking stops. They’ve reached a clearing. The orange and pink of the sky is reflected onto a wide stretch of clear water, surrounded by thick trees on all sides. There’s no docks, no boats, no signs of life other than the ones intended to be there. The dirt gradually drops directly into the lake, water lapping up onto the brush every few seconds.

“It’s beautiful,” Kyungsoo breaths. But the camera isn’t focused on the lake, and neither is Chanyeol’s vision. The lens is set on Kyungsoo’s profile, plush lips protruding from porcelain skin and bright eyes scanning around the scene before them.

“Yeah. Beautiful,” Chanyeol repeated.

“Are you gonna go in?” Kyungsoo’s eyes no longer looked admiring, instead daring.

“Only if you do.”

“Okay.”

The camera is left perched on a branch, focusing on the sway of the water and the boys on its edge, mere silhouettes against the bright sky. Their hands are still interlaced by their hips, shoulders pressing against one another.

“One…two…three!”

 

 

12/08/2009

“Someone has a girlfriend,” Chanyeol zooms in so close to Kyungsoo that only his piqued eyes are visible, “why don’t you tell everyone about Mrs. Do Kyungsoo, hm? Who knows? Maybe she’ll be there watching this back with us.”

“Okay…um…her name is Minhae. She said that she liked me, so I suggested we go out for coffee sometime. That was…two months ago.”

“So that’s how you met. Okay, why don’t you tell us a little bit about Minhae?”

Kyungsoo hesitated, biting at his lip while searching for things to say, “She’s…sweet. She’s funny and very considerate of other people’s feelings. Her favorite movie is May 18, because she loves Kim Sangkyung.”

“Isn’t that a war film?” Kyungsoo shrugs.

“She’s weird like that.”

“She sounds lovely,” Chanyeol’s voice is insincere.

“Yeah, I like her,” Kyungsoo’s mimics his.

“I wish you a long and happy love.”

“Th-thank you.”

 

 

4/28/2010

“How are we feeling about homecoming, everyone?” Kyungsoo and Minhae are standing close to each other, arms linked, while Chanyeol just stands next to his date. 

Kyungsoo and Minhae both give big thumbs up, “we’re excited!” She says.

“Chanyeol? Seondeok?” Chanyeol looks up at the camera, hands clasped tightly in front of him.

“I…”

“It will be a nice experience.” Seondeok says, a wary smile on her face.

A car honks behind the four. Chanyeol jumps.

“You kids have fun!”

“We will, umma!”

“Hey, Chanyeol?” Chanyeol stops in his tracks, turning around and coming back towards Kyungsoo’s mother, “Is everything okay?”

He gives her his best attempt at a smile, “Yeah. I just…didn’t get to go with who I wanted.” He looks behind him, where Kyungsoo is helping the girls into the car.

“Oh, honey, I’m sorry. Maybe next year? Good things come to those who wait.” A thin arm stretches to meet his shoulder.

“Thank you, imo.”

 

 

9/25/2010

“H-“ Chanyeol chokes on his own voice, “hey Kyungsoo? Now that you and Minhae are…do you like anyone?”

Kyungsoo’s looks over at Chanyeol with an inquisitive expression. “…no. Not really.”

“Oh,” the camera is shaking only slightly. “I like someone.”

“That’s good,” Kyungsoo turns his gaze back to his book.

“Yeah. They’re…they’re perfect. Always have been. Always will be. I’ve known them for…for a while now.”

“They sound wonderful, Chanyeol.”

“They are. They…they’ve always been there for me. They’ve loved me unconditionally. Most of my favorite moments in life have been with them.”

Kyungsoo looks back up, a small smile on his face, “how do I not know her?”

“You…you do.”

“Is it…Nayeon?”

“No…it’s…” Kyungsoo is staring at Chanyeol with expecting eyes. Chanyeol sets the camera on his lap.

“Is everything alright? Chanyeol?”

“Fuck,” Chanyeol whispers. He takes a deep breath in and out. “Kyungsoo, I love you.”

“You…love me?”

“Yeah. Since the beginning of high school. I didn’t want to say this, because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship or something. I didn’t want you not to have your…your wife and your children. And I wanted us to be able to watch through our life together, but…but I couldn’t do that, because if I spent the rest of my life around you, I would only love you more and more.”

“Chanyeol, I…I don’t know what to say.”

“You could say you love me too? Because I feel like an asshole right now…and you’re not saying anything.”

“The reason I broke up with Minhae was because she’s…” he pauses, biting his lip and wringing his hands, "she makes me laugh, but not as much as you. She’s been there for me, but not as much as you. Everything about her, I could only compare to…to you.”

“So you…”

“Love you. Yeah.”

“Good things come to those who wait,” he whispered, loud enough for the camera to pick up, but quiet enough for Kyungsoo not to hear.

 

 

10/03/2010

“We’re going on our first date in about…ten minutes. I’m supposed to come to your house soon. I bought flowers,” Chanyeol holds up a bouquet of different shades of pink. “I can’t…I’ve wanted this for a long time. I’ve wanted you for a long time. I’ve wanted to hug you and hold your hand and kiss you and be able to say I love you in the way it was meant to be said, and…and now I can.

“I told myself that if I never told you, I’d regret it forever. I can say now that I was 100% right. Hopefully, we will watch this together. And you’ll hear these words and still feel the same way. I love you, Do Kyungsoo.”

Chanyeol looks away from the camera, down at the ground, “I love it when you tease me, and I love it when you pull my ears, I love it when you punch me, I love it when you laugh at me. Because even though I’m the butt of the joke, it makes you smile, and that’s all that matters to me.”

“See you soon, Soo.”

 

1/12/2011

“Happy birthday, Soo.” The light of the moon makes up for the darkness, brightening the side of Kyungsoo’s face. Well, at least what’s visible. The majority of his body is under woolen layers. The tip of his nose that peeks out from above his scarf is red, the matching tint of his cheeks and fingers. 

“You got me something,” he says, as though it’s the strangest thing in the world.

“Of course I got you something, silly.”

“You didn’t have to…” Kyungsoo’s cheeks are a flaming red now, not impacted by the cold anymore. His fingers fumble with the wrapping, but he eventually gets it open. It’s another snowglobe. “Seoul,” he reads.

“Since you’re going to university in Busan. All you need to do is look at it, then you’ll know that I’m with you, always.”

Kyungsoo’s tears spill over the brims of his eyes and cascade down his flushed cheeks, dampening his scarf. The camera is placed behind Chanyeol, catching the two’s outlines against the city lights in the distance and the dim glow of the night sky. What was once two separate figures become one, joined lovingly at the lips.

“I don’t want to leave you.”

“You won’t leave me. You’ll come back one day, and then maybe I could move in with you. Y’know, freeload off your college-educated success,” Kyungsoo manages a laugh in between his sobs.

“You can be really cheesy sometimes,” Kyungsoo wipes at his cheeks, but for nothing, the moment of dryness was soon after overcome.

“That’s what you love about me, isn’t it?” Chanyeol says, nudging the shorter's shoulder in some attempt to cheer him up.

“I love everything about you.”

“Who’s cheesy now?” Chanyeol presses his forehead to Kyungsoo’s.

“Still you,” Kyungsoo says, stealing a kiss.

 

6/17/2011

“Do Kyungsoo, you are finally done with high school. How does it feel?” Chanyeol says, imitating a reporter and holding an imaginary microphone in front of the shorter’s mouth.

“I still have college so…not that different.”

“You hear that ladies and gentleman?” Chanyeol switches focus to him, “Not. That. Different.”

Chanyeol pauses for a moment as he places his free hand in Kyungsoo’s, “I’m so proud of you.”

“It feels like just yesterday we were getting ready to go to school for the first time.” Kyungsoo giggles at the memory, “You were excited, and I cried.”

“Because I didn’t know what the hell was going to happen. Somehow, you did. You were right to cry.”

Kyungsoo smiles up at Chanyeol, his eyes full of love and admiration, “You’re lucky you’re not going to some high-expectations college.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Chanyeol says, feigning hurt. Kyungsoo’s eyes go wide and he claps a hand over his mouth.

“I didn’t…I didn’t mean it like that, I’m sorry.” Chanyeol giggles, placing his arms kindly around Kyungsoo’s small frame.

“I was joking, Soo. I am lucky. But I’m sure you’ll do great,” the camera falls limply by Chanyeol’s side as he catches Kyungsoo’s lips between his own. 

When he pulls away, Kyungsoo pouts, “why did I have to major in something realistic?"

“A lot of people don’t end up using their degrees.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Life will direct you in the right path,” Chanyeol quotes, causing a wide smile to stretch across his boyfriend’s face.

“As long as I’m with you, i don’t care what happens.”

 

 

9/10/2011

“So this is Kyungsoo’s dorm,” Chanyeol narrates, scanning the view of the camera across the small room. Kyungsoo stands at the edge of his bed, just having set a heavy box on top of the bare mattress. He places his hands on his hips, looking around at the yet-to-be-decorated space, “his roommate stepped out for a moment, I’ll introduce him when he comes back.”

“He’s really nice. Loud, but really nice,” Kyungsoo says, lifting a variety of books, DVDs, and albums over to his desk.

“Do you like your room? The campus? All that?” Chanyeol asks, walking over to the window and focusing on the grassy area just outside the dorm.

Kyungsoo moves next to Chanyeol, “Yeah, it’s nice and all, but…you’re not here, so,” he shrugs, nonchalantly, “it’s not that nice.”

“I’m gonna miss you.” Chanyeol says. “A lot. A lot a lot.”

“I’m gonna miss you a lot a lot too.”

“Sorry, am I interrupting something?” The camera switches its focus from Kyungsoo’s face to a new one. It’s a boy with chestnut hair brushed up off his forehead and beautiful caramel skin.

“No, no. You’re fine.” Kyungsoo says, adjusting his shirt. 

“Is this the…the video thing you were talking about, Chanyeol?” 

“Yeah. Why don’t you tell everyone who Do Kyungsoo’s new roommate is.”

The boy breaks out into a smile, full lips curled at their corners.

“Annyeong,” he says, hands folded behind his back as he bends the slightest bit down, "I am Kim Jongin. I’m a dance major, and I’ve been told I’m a little shit.”

Kyungsoo chuckles, “that’s comforting.”

The boy shrugs, still wearing his self-satisfied grin, “I can only warn you.”

“He hates being called cute. Just so you know,” Chanyeol supplies.

“I’ve been betrayed by my own boyfriend,” Kyungsoo says, his voice lacking any trace of bitterness. Jongin sits on his own bed, crossing his legs underneath him.

“I will be sure to make this the best 4 years of your life, Kyungsoo,” he says.

Kyungsoo gives Chanyeol a look of pleading.

“4 years. That’s a…long time.” Chanyeol mutters, dropping the camera to his waist. Jongin bites his lip.

“I’m going to excuse myself,” he says, stepping out of the room.

“I don’t know if I can do this. Be without you, I mean.” Chanyeol says, sitting himself next to Kyungsoo.

“I don’t know either. I’ll be sure to try and get out to you every weekend if I can. You have to come here, too, if you’re not busy.”

Chanyeol sniffles, “I will. Fuck, I’m going to miss you.”

“It’s what, a three hour train ride? We can leave Friday nights, spend the evening together, then leave Sunday night. It can…It can work. This can work.”

“Forty percent of long distance relationships don’t work.” Chanyeol chokes on his own words. Kyungsoo takes Chanyeol’s hand in his own, both of their knuckles turning white from holding on so tight.

“Then we’ll be the sixty percent that do. We’ll try to get out whenever we can. We’ll video chat whenever we can. Every free moment I have I’d spend with you in a heartbeat.”

“That was really cheesy,” Chanyeol says, using his other hand to wipe at his cheeks.

“It was. What have you done to me?” Kyungsoo giggles through his own tears. He lifts his head and meets Chanyeol’s lips.

“I love you. So much.”

“I love you too.”

 

 

11/27/2011

“Happy 19th birthday,” Kyungsoo says, holding the camera steady on the view of Chanyeol slumped on the couch.

Chanyeol defends his posture by putting his hands in front of his face, “Don’t look at me…I ate too much.”

“We went to a small noodle place, and Chanyeol finished my bowl for me,” Kyungsoo narrates, zooming in closer to Chanyeol’s dead expression.

He groans in response, rolling over onto his stomach, “Why did I do that?”

“Stop complaining, show future us what you got for your birthday,” At that, Chanyeol’s eyes brighten up and he jumps off the couch, rushing over by the door where several boxes are located.

“Nothing so special, mostly. I got a few albums. But, as always, you got me the best of all,” Chanyeol reaches down and pulls up an acoustic guitar, glossy and pale in color, “Thank you. I really love it.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I love you,” Kyungsoo groans.

“That was awful.”

“…but I love you too.”

 

12/24/2011

“Kyungsoo should be here any minute now,” Chanyeol says. In both his hands are a big bouquet of flowers. 

“Are you excited to see him?” Kyungsoo’s mother’s voice comes from behind the camera.

Chanyeol nods vigorously, “Neither of us could really make the time to visit each other for the past month. The end of the semester has been really busy. We’ve video chatted a lot, but it’s…it’s not the same. I’m so excited. I miss him so much.”

“He misses you, too. I was talking on the phone with him last night, he was…sobbing. He loves you so much, Chanyeol. It makes me so happy that it’s you. I couldn’t imagine him with anyone else.”

Chanyeol wipes at his eyes with his coat sleeve, “Thank you, imo. That means a lot.”

“Oh! Here he comes!” Kyungsoo’s father exclaims from out of view. 

“I’m shaking,” Chanyeol laughs, gripping at the bouquet tighter.

The camera zooms in on Kyungsoo, his small frame buried amongst the variety of tall people surrounding him. After a while, he catches sight of his family, and finally he stands out, because he’s moving about ten times faster than everyone else. He discards his luggage when he’s only two meters away from Chanyeol, disregarding the fact that it falls on the floor. The smaller boy jumps into the giant’s arms, his legs wrapped around Chanyeol’s. They stay like this for a long time, holding on so tightly, as if the other could be taken away from them at any moment. 

“They’re so good for each other,” Kyungsoo’s mother says, still keeping the camera focused on their reunion. 

“They really are.”

 

 

1/13/2012

“I guess I’ll make this now, because you just left and...I don’t know."

“Christmas was fun. New Years was fun. Your birthday was fun. I gave you a notebook to write down all the things you wanted to tell me when you couldn’t. I guess I’m doing the same thing with the camera now."

“It’s currently four in the morning. You left at eight last night, but I got used to you sleeping next to me. I couldn’t. Not without you.”

“I’m going to be honest. I’m really afraid. It’s only been half a year. We have so much left, and we’re only going to get more and more busy. I’m so afraid we won’t be able to see each other anymore. Or at least, make time.”

“I love you so much it makes my heart hurt, and when I can’t take it out on kissing you and holding you, it just hurts more. Everything without you hurts. And when I’m with you…it only hurts more because I know it’ll be over.”

“I can’t wait until this is all over. Until we’re done with college and I can wake up to you and go to sleep next to you and come home to you and do anything and everything with you.”

“You’re all that matters to me, Kyungsoo. A future without you is one I would never want to live in.”

“This is going to be one hell of a four years.”

 

 

2/14/2012

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Soo.”

“You said you might be able to come last weekend, but when you were supposed to leave, you texted me and said you couldn’t make it. I understand. You’re pretty busy, and three hours is a long time.”

“Plus, Valentines is on a Tuesday. That’s pretty inconvenient.”

“Fuck, if we can’t even spend Valentine’s Day together, how can this work out? I wish I could come out to you. But between interning at the record label, going to class, practicing with the band…I never have enough time to spare. And you, I’m sure you’ve made new friends in Busan-“

“The more i think about it, the more I realize I don’t know. I don’t know who your friends are, or what kinds of classes you take. You mentioned that Jongin has been a pretty good friend, but otherwise, I have no idea. We should talk more. If we can’t see each other all the time, then we should at least try to talk all the time.”

“…I’ve been thinking about quitting school. Moving to Busan with you. You’re more important to me than any career. If I lost you…”

“Am I stupid? I mean…what if…what if you’ve stopped trying?”

“Oh my god, I hate myself for saying that. Of course you’re trying. Of course…you…”

“Are you?”

 

3/18/2012

“We just fought.”

“I don’t think we’ve ever fought.”

“You had three more days left of spring break. We were going to watch your favorite movies and take a drive outside Seoul to watch the sunset from the coast and…now you’re back in Busan, and everything feels so cold without you.”

“I shouldn’t have said what I said, I’m sorry. I just…all those things that I felt I had to talk to you about. I told you I was afraid that you didn’t…care anymore. And you thought it was because I didn’t trust you. But I do. Of course I do. I’d trust you with my life.”

“Everything’s so fucked up. Everything’s been fucked up. Maybe moving to Busan would make things better? We could work on things and…”

“Maybe it’d make things worse.”

“What if this is it?”

“I still love you so much. I don’t think I can be without you. Am I trying too hard? Is this…are we…am I putting too much effort into this? Worrying too much? Is that why you’re pulling away?”

“Do you still love me?"

“Yeah, I’m definitely worrying too much."

 

5/22/2012

“I haven’t seen you since spring break. We haven’t video called. Our last conversation was three weeks ago, and lasted about a minute. I wonder what you’re doing. How you’re doing. If you miss me. If you even realize I’m not there. Or if you do…if you even care."

“I know it’s stupid…but I don’t want to lose you. I think about you a lot. Maybe too much, but it’s you. How could I not?”

“…Sometimes I have to look at a picture of you to remind myself what you look like. I remember your lips, the way they form a heart when you smile, and I remember your eyes. But I don’t….I can’t picture how beautiful you are."

“I’m still so afraid. But neither of us can get away from school. At least it’s over soon. Really soon. I hope you can catch the first train back here.”

“I miss you, Soo. I miss you more than I can handle. I can’t wait to see you again. Maybe we can go on a date when you get here? We can visit that noodle place, the one we went to for my birthday.”

“I love you. See you in a few days."

 

 

5/30/2012

“You didn’t come back.”

“I thought…I thought we were stronger. I thought we had a chance. But I was too in love to notice how hard this was on you. We couldn’t even get through one year, let alone three more. It was for the best.”

“I can’t make myself believe that, though. If it was up to me, obviously I wouldn’t want this. But it isn’t up to me. I couldn’t save this relationship even if I tried. You love Jongin now, not me. I still love you, though. Which makes this so much harder.”

“I wish I didn’t love you. I wish I never loved you. We’d still be best friends, we’d still have our Friday beer nights and our kids’ birthday parties and I’d still have you."

“I made a mistake, basing my whole life around you. Now that you’re gone, I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to look back on, nothing.”

“But I’m not mad at you. Not the slightest fucking bit. I’m not mad at Jongin for loving you, either. I’d be mad if he didn’t."

“I guess this is goodbye. Forever. I’m sorry. For everything.”

 

 

6/15/2012

“Do you believe in soulmates?”

“I do. I have, ever since I met you.”

“I believe there’s one person for all of us, and it doesn’t have to be the person we’re with when we die.”

“Maybe Jongin’s yours…but…you’re still mine. You’ll always be my soulmate, Do Kyungsoo. Why can’t I be yours?”

“I hope that this isn’t the end. That maybe one day we’ll bump into each other and I’ll ask you out for coffee, and we’ll remember how good things used to be. And it’ll be like it never ended, and all of this…pain will just be gone.”

“It’s unrealistic, right? But I love you. I’ll always love you. There’s nothing I can do, nothing you can do, nothing anybody can do. I’ll always love you just like the Moon will always rotate around the Earth, because even though I’m not the sun…I’m still here.”

“I’ll always be here."

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry for this
> 
> maybe give me some feedback?? pls im desperate


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